Just days from now, we approach what most of my radio peers have been calling the most important election of our lifetime. Now, my memory isn’t a whole lot better than 1989 Ronald Reagan, but didn’t people say the same stuff two years ago?

Oh, but this time there’s other, more important stuff for you to vote on! Important things like maintaining the status quo, ignoring drone murders, and making sure those gays don’t do anything dangerous like join hands in holy matrimony. I wouldn’t want my grand children to live in a world where people hate each other over being an asshole, instead of skin color and weather or not there’s a dick near your butthole.

Let me make a correction for all the blowhards of the world. This is the biggest missed opportunity of our lifetime. We had a chance to turn things around, but no, America’s decided. Instead of thinking critically, questioning authority, and cutting back on the Mountain Dew intake, we’ve decided that presidential debates are like the superbowl for politics, and having more than two choices would be hard on our collective minds.

Gonna vote red or blue this week? Good. I hope everyone finds solace in the fact that you picked what was already picked for you a year ago. Millions of anonymous dollars from super PACS funded the 30 seconds spots of Obama waving at a group of children that won you over. Good thing most of those donations are secret, or you might find out that a lot of that money is coming from corporations hoping for the government promise of bailouts and continued monopolies.

One might be immediately surprised to find out that three of the third party candidates are for marijuana legalization! It’s not a conversation the media wants to have, but I can tell you right now, that it’s a healthy amount of drugs that will keep me from going absolutely psychopathic on November 6th.

My final thought? Hurricane Sandy proves to me why Romney and Obama are so popular- because you CAN take the power back. All you have to do is keep blowing.

This guy’s about to get fucked up

I’m sort of an untraditional comic- I have a stable relationship with my girlfriend. This sometimes leads me to feel the need to hold her hand or if I’m feeling really crazy, give her a hug. That’s what people do when they like each other; touch bodies parts.

Of course, this can lead to trouble when I’m watching her pick out tomatoes in the grocery store and all I can think is, I want to hug you so fuckin’ bad.

And the moment I begin to do the deed, is when I get jumped by the VFW. He’ll look me dead in the eyes and say, “get a room.”

That would make total sense if we were 69ing in aisle three, but hugging is one of the least sexual things you can do with your girlfriend, period. Just because old man Winter feels uncomfortable shaking a ladies hand behind closed curtains, doesn’t mean we all have to do what HE says.

And besides, how is it fair or financially reasonable that every time I want to give a hug I need to book a hotel room? Imagine that conversation. “Oh baby, I just want to hug the SHIT out of you. I’m going to get on Priceline right now and book a room and we’re going to hug till rainbows shoot out of my cock.”

How to some people get so far in life being so stupid? Sometimes I feel like they do it just to spite me. Some old lady survives the depression, loses three husbands to cancer, learns how to use a Nook; makes it though 75 years of life JUST so she could be in my way at the grocery store.

And no, Rosemary, I’m not going to help you reach that 3 gallon bucket of fluffunutter and aid you in making a worse decision than that dried up clump of hair you call a hairdo. Every time I get my hair cut, I see this lady, she’s old. She’s so old she probably grew up making clay pots in Pompeii. Every week she gets wheeled into this place with her feeble old bones to get her hair done. Who are you trying to look good for?! At this point, the only thing that’s going to fuck you is LIFE.

Like most Americans, I follow politics during hyped elections. Why? No, why follow? Really? You just let politics lead you around all day? Oh, I’d love to see a movie but I’m kinda already following politics so maybe another time. Can’t we just say we like to watch rich people make poor decisions?

I’ve watched a few of these Republican debates, and the way they talk is insanity. They’ll say something like, “recently my opponent accused me of supporting gay rights and allowing Mexicans to do work that I’d NEVER do. Frankly I’m appalled that anyone would throw around these seemingly positive lies.”

It’s like an asshole pissing contest. Yes, I understand how that is extremely gross and probably medically inaccurate.

Every time without fail issues like gay marriage and abortion come up. Meanwhile, we’re trillions of dollars in debt and the economy is literally on fire, but STOP EVERYTHING, Some people are doing a thing that I don’t like.

They always make the same stupid arguments too. Well if we let the gays get married, then who’s to say a man can’t marry two women?

I’m pretty sure there’s like three people that actually WANT to live in that hellhole. Oh, you know all the things you hate about your one wife? Let’s double them and add the element of jealousy. I can tell that you like her better. Oh, who’s that texting you, your other wife? Why don’t you tell that little slut to back off because I don’t screw around and I know where she lives.

Now on the other hand, marrying a dolphin would be awesome. You get to feed it fish all day, high five its flipper, and smile as you watch it swim backwards. If only they’d start rolling down that slippery slope of sexual perversion.

Weed is another good one. Hey, do you by any chance inhale the smoke of a plant that grows naturally from the earth and then nonviolently eat cool ranch nachos while watching Youtube?

Uh, yeah..

Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to come with me!

Of course it would be unacceptable if they didn’t talk about illegal immigration. Let me sum that one up pretty quickly.

Mexico: Yo dawg, we were here first.
America: I literally don’t care.

I know this doesn’t really matter, but Mexicans are WAY cooler! While we’re baking cupcakes and tripping over air, they’re setting up drug cartels and growing mustaches like it’s nobodies business. God forbid we allow a little culture into our realm.

Abortion is another easy one.

The next time you get cut off in traffic by some immigrant, picture a world where they were never born. Abortion.

The next time you get shot in the thigh because of a bad drug deal, imagine a place that they didn’t exist in. Abortion.

The next time someone tragically separates you from your dolphin lover, envision a planet where they were killed during the first trimester. Abortion!

Zander Thomas: NO TEXTING STILL KIDS SORRY CALL OR WRITE TO ME ON HERE

Zander Thomas: ran out of texts for the month still have calling

 Cody O’Connor: ‎„„„„ here’s a few commas for your trouble.

Zander Thomas: thank u proffesor O’Connor didn’t realize i was being graded thought i was on facebook

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I hope everyone knows that peoples abuse of the English language and intelligence itself is contributing to a stomach ulcer. I’m close to hoping it becomes cancer and removes me from this planet of fucking retards.

Calling someone a pussy should be a compliment. Pussies bleed monthly, crack the skulls of babies, and for the lusty housewife, get rammed by a large black cock. What’s more manly than that?! See, an asshole is full of shit and a dick will always fuck its way to the top. I can SEE why nobody would want to be one of those. But a pussy? That takes true integrity. From now on, let’s switch the word pussy with bad ass. Besides, the only time we SHOULD be using the word bad ass is to describe the literal “bad ass” of Ellen Degeneres.

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Be careful trying to add insult to injury on someone whose bones you just broke with sticks and stones. It won’t work on them. Just keep using the stones and they’ll be dead in no time.

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A lot of insults actually seem rather nice when you think about it. Get lost! Take a hike! Oh great, let me just grab a granola bar! What a nice day for that! Beat it! Go fuck yourself! Already took care of that this morning friend, but thanks for your concern!

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Notice how gay guys love sarcasm? That’s because it’s confrontation minus the balls. “Yeah, because I just LOVE talking to idiots all day.” TRANSLATION “I hate talking to idiots but I’m afraid of what they might think of me if I tell them.”

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More to come…

The Irish in my blood takes majority stock in my heritage. As proud as I may be of that, I still know that the Irish are only best known for being fucked in the ass by disease, British rule, and eating cabbage. Oh, and that holiday where you get drunk… which, for those of us who are ACTUALLY Irish, this is called every day.

I’m also about a quarter German. This explains the indignation and occasional racism. This is also a multiplier for the chances of chronic alcoholism.

But ladies and gentleman, there is a small percentage of me that I actually CAN’T trace and it is unknown where it comes from. Some may guess that I could be part Russian (the other culture built off booze) but I’m convinced that I’m at least five percent Jew.

Occasionally when my GPS goes apeshit, I’ll decide to just follow my nose. The last time that happened, I just ended up at Bank of America. It’s just so tempting to follow something that’s only two feet in front of you. In fact, I think if I was in a real police lineup, I could be easily mistaken for Toucan Sam.

I think it’s starting to infect my brain too. Money may be tight in the O’Connor residence, but not as tight as my clenched asshole! Sometimes I won’t even spend money to feed my own body. Frankly, I think 3 meals a day is a tad bit greedy. Not only that, but when I’m forced to resort to putrid fast food, my stomach starts talking back like it has a fucking say!

The other day I got Burger King for lunch, because only a king should enjoy that delicacy of onions covered in ketchup. I bought the “BK Chef’s Choice Burger” to further prove that I run this city. The manager took my order which to my dismay, came out to eight dollars and fifty fucking two cents. I almost grabbed him by the neck, but then how else would he tell his slaves in the kitchen to whip up another pound of greasy bullshit?

After shoveling this train wreck of a burger into my gullet, it almost immediately hit my upper G1 like a dirty bomb. I tried to wash away the pain with orange Hi Ci, but this only seemed to feed the fire.

I looked to my girlfriend and said, “I could puke right now,” to which she so lovingly replied “Than puke!”

I said, “I did NOT just spend eight dollars and fifty fucking two cents on this burger to not digest it! This shit’s going out my asshole in liquid form as the king intended!”