Nothing makes me question the American consumer more than the TV ads that we’re still falling for. In fact, we fall for every trick in the book so well, the book hasn’t even needed to be updated in 20 years.
Generic TV commercial:
Are you still spending all day plucking your eyebrows? Well just take a black and white look at this sad hunched over pathetic excuse for a man attack himself with a pair of tweezers while contemplating suicide. OUCH! Nothing that can’t be fixed with a magic sound effect, queuing a smooth jazz instrumental and technicolor! Oh yeah, AND the brand new BROW DOCTOR. Watch as our paid actor grooms away like a breeze. Nothing makes you smile like a groomed eyebrow! Now the kids don’t even have to pretend to love their daddy anymore! Grab your BROW DOCTOR today for just 5 payments of 19.99! Operators are standing by but they don’t have all day so hurry the fuck up and call!
Prescription drug commercial:
"Like most of the baby boomer generation, my heart was starting to shit out completely. I had trouble doing many of the things I loved. See how I’m struggling just to get on a crowded bus? That’s when my doctor told me I should try XYPHAZANDAPINE. Now I’m walking aimlessly all over town! This street is no match for me! Take that stairs, you easy fuck! Now I’m in the woods! I don’t even know how I got here! Tell your doctor that you want XYPHAZANDAPINE now!"
XYPHAZANDAPINE may lead to serious depression, vomiting, diarrhea, heartburn, an achy tummy, and death. But you’ll still buy it anyways because we whisper this at the end of EVERY drug advertisement. What could happen, really?
Car insurance commercial:
Switch to CARSURANCE now and save $952 after switching from Geico! While you may be wondering where we actually came up with that oddly specific figure, allow us to distract you in as many ways possible. Here’s Jeff Bridges dancing in a fairy outfit! Nothing? Okay, a talking porcupine tells motorists to “watch it, asshole!” Oh the irony! Just remember that when you’re suffering brain damage after a head-on collision and don’t receive coverage that at least our commercials were funny! Now call the number you worm!
Now you could claim that I’m exaggerating but am I? I’d argue that nearly three out of four commercials you see on a daily basis are one of those three commercials to a tee. The sad truth is that if that’s the case, it must mean that these ads are working and that Americans really are THAT dumb. Bill Hicks said it best when he said “If you’re in marketing, kill yourself.”